I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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