Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
