my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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