we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
