singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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