i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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