fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
