I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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