The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
