I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
