u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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