She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
