I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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