I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
