two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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