Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
