Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
