That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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