You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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