I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
