Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
