yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
