I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
