Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
