It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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