I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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