even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
