He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
