am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
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At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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