i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
