So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
