he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
