i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
