Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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