the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Your penis caused this!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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