I will die if light touches me.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
