if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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