You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
