I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
