i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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