You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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