so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
