she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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