Swine flu. Run for my life!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
