i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
