I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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