Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
