I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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