just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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