I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
