i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
