How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
