I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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